Have you ever anticipated a milestone or event in a good way and then it came and you were left with "gee that didn't go the way I planned" or an actual feeling of disappointment? Well that is how I feel tonight.
I had grand plans of writing an uplifting and positive story about the big 5 year check up I had this week for the big "C" word I hate to mention. And I still might, but tonight is not the night. First of all my surgeon did say, "great news you met the five year mark, we can say you are cured, and usually we would cut you loose of lab work and CT Scans but...." Yeah I love when the word BUT comes into a conversation with a DR. So he continues to tell me "they" have been watching a few teeny spots on my liver the last couple of years. Ummm yeah, news to me. Well they haven't changed, they know what they are and they are totally benign-he said that word about 3 times-he knows I am cancer-phobic-and not to worry. Oh, ok. So instead of not coming in anymore, just need to have lab and CT scan in another year. I trust him I really do, if he was concerned he would be on it, but trust-or faith if you want to call it that is hard for me to come by in moments like this.
If I place it in perspective I know it is all good news but I can't help sitting here disheartened and a little bitter. THIS was the one appt in five years I walked into not sweating bullets, and not having an anxiety attack and tricked myself into being positive and still feel like I got kicked in the pants. I had run through the scenario in my mind of "Congratulations", "Nice to know you" and "Goodbye" and the let down was just not anticipated. On top of it oldest son comes home after a bad day and cries-cries about a recess incident, which escalates into how he has no friends, no one asks him to be a reading buddy or pick him to sit by at lunch. He says it is because he is selfish. I am chalking it up to a bad day, but always worry-he is not mr. popular and does annoy kids with his quirky ways. I SOOOOO don't want my kids to be depressed or feel lonely-I have been there and done that and would do anything to protect them from that but know I can't. His teacher is so awesome and I would think she would have mentioned this if it was ongoing but with the day I have had it just eats at me.
So thank you friends for reading my downer of a post-not at all what I intended to post about this week.
This too will pass, disheartened with a touch of bitter is where I sit now, but tomorrow is a new day...
4 comments:
ugh. i feel like i too got punched in the gut. i'm so sorry you had a day like this. sometimes life can be so hard, and it's not always easy to look at the good things. however, i AM glad that you have a loving, supportive husband to come home to from the doctor and i AM glad that you are the kind of mom who understands her son and i AM glad that we are all in your life to share the downs and pray for you and love you. i will pray that God keeps those spots harmless. try not to be overwhelmed with fear and worry. love you, ok?
Oh, Cher. With all of your other stresses right now, this was not what you needed. I'm sorry, and I hope today is better.
i cannot count the number of times that i have imagined a scenario in my head, only to have things turn out differently and leave me feeling disappointed. in fact, i'm going thru some of that (cannot really go into details) right now.
i have heard God saying to me "keep your joy" and "I came so that you can have joy" so i am passing that along :)
hope today is brighter.
You guys are the best, today of course already feels better. I called the nurse-needed clarification-they are cysts and my age justifies watching them-Suree said she has them, Carey of course checked with hubby about "benign" and the joy of the day was playing guitar hero with the boys instead of doing homework like I was supposed to.
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