So after my mild mental crash on Monday, here is the real post I had planned. Bear with me if it gets long, but I think you will enjoy it. 5 years is a big deal and I will not let my expecations of what it should have been or current sinus infection ruin it!
Tomorrow will be hubby's birthday, February 5th. So of course this brings me to what was I doing five years ago on that very evening.
February 5th I recieved a call from a drs. office-expecting it to be-just checking in have a good life. Well that is not how it went, instead I got, "Can you come in over your lunch hour?" Any call from a dr wanting you to come in over your lunch hour is not good. I call hubby, he plans to meet me there-he goes to the wrong floor. I recieve the news that I have cancer in a polyp and am ALREADY scheduled to see a surgeon that after noon and surgery in one week, by myself.
The first person I tell is a coworker-like a second mom to me-I rant and rave and cry until I get dry heaves.
We go see the surgeon, get the scoop and we go pick up the boys. At this point telling the boys or explaining isn't even an issue at the ages of almost 5 and 2 some things are better left unsaid.
My oldest bounds into the car and says, when are we having cake and the candles. CAKE? CANDLES? Tonight? I remember there is a birthday to celebrate and something the little boy as looked forward to all week. We arrive in the house and all he can do is bounce around and talk about eating cake and candles.
So my face swollen and puffy I get out the cake and the candles, he is so honored he gets to put them on. Of course at this time I am making phone calls and recieving phone calls and he is tugging wanting to know when is it TIME. Finally we all go to the kitchen and huddle around the cake. Then like a pearl of wisdom he says with joy, " Go mom, do it- FIRE UP the candles!"
And there it is-the phrase I have thought about numerous times in the last five years. FIRE UP THE CANDLES
I was hoping after five years that I would have learned something from a cruddy experience. That I could hear the word cancer and not have an anxiety attack-that doesn't happen. I want to say I get up each day and am thankful down deep that I am here-that doesn't always happen either. I want to say that I don't obsess over every lump, bump or sickness in my children-I don't. I want to say that I am a stronger, better person so many say they become after something like this-I just don't know. What I do know is that I was given a gift and I may not appreciate it daily but there are small things I notice more-sunsets, laughs, the feel of my son's skin, the brown of their eyes and the length of their lashes, time with friends and the importance of empathy. I also know this, savor joy now (for you Bobbi) wherever and however you find it. And I do know for me joy comes in "firing up the candles", somehow but not just someday-somenow
4 comments:
oh, now you did it. i hate it when you girls make me cry. but i loved this post, i can picture all of it.
i wish i would have been there for you back then.
i love "somenow"
i did not know this whole story, although i had filled in the gaps a bit. i am so glad you are here to tell the story, and enjoy the somenows...
:) you are a great storyteller.
I'm totally bawling, Cher. SO glad you're here, so glad you're my Cher Bear.
Now girls it wasn't supposed to be a cryfest but inspirational:) Carey-Don't worry you are here now, actually I didn't even tell Steph, she heard it from one of her patients who knew me.
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